you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
