Pappa wants mamma naked
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
