Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
