Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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