I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
