My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
