New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I lost the right to judge tonight
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
