But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My ATM looks so different sober.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
