he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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