do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
there is glitter all over my balls
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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