Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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