My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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