Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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