got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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