So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
