He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
