Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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