Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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