guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
