I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
