so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
