I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
