fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
