it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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