I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It's never too late to be topless.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
