textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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