The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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