yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
There's always time for handjobs
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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