I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
