Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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