you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
