are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
