I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
