I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
