My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
