i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
