at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
