you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
