you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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