the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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