You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
