Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
