You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
