My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
