apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
