great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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