It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
