I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
