mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
