Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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