If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
