i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
