He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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