ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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